I am not a happy person. I am a diabetic, an athlete, and I have major depressive disorder. On more days than not I wake up and groan not because of aches and pains but because I have to keep fighting to care about myself, about my job, about school, about my life in general. That is not easy to do. I do not really understand where some of the feelings come from and I think if I could pin it down, or if others could, it wouldn’t be such a problem in the world but it creates a sensation of futility. There is a hopelessness to every day that pervades even the simplest thoughts and undermines efforts to interact with even my closest friends. These are people who I have known my entire life and should be able to at least talk but instead I undermine my confidence in them. I doubt their loyalty, their trustworthiness, and especially their willingness to cause me further pain. While I have dealt with this for an extended period of time there was a particular string of events that occurred almost a year ago that took me to the brink and in some ways past it.